How To Do Stuff

How To Hide Your Freedom Boner on July 4th


Oh Hell yeah. It’s the greatest day for the greatest country in the world! It’s Independence Day, a holiday that all of those other shithole countries know nothing about. It’s a day so important that we named a movie after it. It’s a day so full of freedom that all the True Patriots out there can’t hide their joy because celebrating God’s favorite country is sexier than a pair of titties that knows how to field dress a deer with a Bowie knife. But being the best comes at a price. Waiting an entire year to celebrate all that freedom, slowly building up to an explosive climax–it’s difficult for any Red Blooded American Man to contain all that excitement without waving around the greatest flag of all: the Freedom Boner. 

But be not ashamed! If you’re a real Patriot, it’s only natural that you’d get excited by all those red, white and blue bathing suits. What could be more seductive than above-ground pool parties, cheap beer, and explosions? Hell, if you’re a real American, just being outside in the sun will turn you into one of the colors of our flag! But sometimes, there are children present, and they’re not emotionally developed enough to see just how awesome freedom is. So as unamerican as it sounds, you might have to hide that freedom boner. For the children. Don’t fret, there’s plenty of acceptable ways to hide your chub:


  1. Camo cargo shorts. We know you’ve got a pair lying around somewhere, they just blend in with the rest of your Mossy Oak gear. Camo is the most natural way to hide how much you love America, because as soon as you put on a pair, you look like a floating torso! Plus, all those extra pockets will be handy for storing extra cans of Budweiser and fireworks!
  2. Duct tape. Strap that bad boy down like it’s lumber in your truck bed. Don’t be afraid to use plenty of tape, lest your boss hog rise again and force the cops to ask if you’ve got a concealed carry permit for your .69 Magnum. What about bathroom breaks? You’re peeing in the water you Commie. 
  3. Think about Socialism. It’s the same thing as Communism. This is an emergency tactic for when you really need to lose that chub. Just imagining a country that pays for its kids to go to college is enough to redirect all that blood flow to your hands so you can reach for your security blanket of a sidearm. But don’t focus on how awesome the Second Amendment is, or you’ll be right back to square one. 

My only other piece of advice is unique to this year, because America finally gets its first tank parade! Ain’t NOTHING more patriotic than showing off your big ass guns like North Korea, Soviet Russia, and Nazi Germany. Because that’s how you let the world know you’re free as fuck! So when the tanks roll out, be sure to take a seat and keep the kids off your lap- ain’t nothing gonna stop you from waving that freedom flag. So shotgun your Belgium owned America beer, and throw those middle fingers up to anyone who says we’re not the shit. Literally throw them up in the air because you just blew them off with an m-80. Then keep that middle finger in a jar because your insurance wouldn’t pay for you to have it reattached, and let it serve as a reminder that we da best! Happy Holidays.